goodbye
by abbyli
Summary: He hated feeling this way. He hated being this vulnerable. He laid his heart out on the line. But it just hurt. It hurt even more seeing her in his arms.


**title: **goodbye

**summary: **He hated feeling this way. He hated feeling so vulnerable. And seeing her in Neal's arms, professing her love right after he had just laid his heart out on the line, it hurt even more.

**pairing: **killian/emma, killian centric, bit of a character study

**rating: **t

**disclaimer: **don't own anything, guys. don't sue me.

**notes: **I acted like a big moron last night. Jumping up and down, banging my head against the wall, yelling at my mother not to talk to me while watching.

I get feels when I listen to Levi Kreis's 'I Should Go'.

.

.

He should have known.

He really should have.

It wasn't him. It was never going to be him.

He told her. He told her that he was falling in love with her. That he was moving on from Milah and letting that great love go.

He had always known that was what Milah would have wanted for him. They had talked about it once and she had begged him to find someone if anything ever happened to her. To have that breathless union once again-to be able to look into someone's eyes and find the whole world.

The first moment, that first single moment that he had looked into those stormy green eyes, he knew. Gods above, he knew that she was the one.

But he wasn't.

'_No. I have never been in love.' _

An obvious lie. He wasn't going to push though. He liked her already. She presented such a challenge that Milah had not. He wanted to know her. He wanted to know more about her. Who she was, how she felt about things.

'_You're something of an open book.'_

At first she had felt like an open book. He thought he could read her perfectly but alas, he was wrong. There was so much that he didn't know. That he couldn't see and she wouldn't let him in.

Saving her father hadn't just been for her. It had been for him too. Saving the rightful king, saving the man who reminded him so much of Liam. He knew that he couldn't allow this man to die. He couldn't take away someone's husband, someone's father.

It wasn't part of who he was.

He sometimes wondered if he ever really could have killed Rumpelstiltskin.

For just a brief moment after that harrowing ordeal, he felt like he had a home. An eternity at sea had been the only home for him. He felt a part of that family. That crazed family that would do absolutely anything for each other.

Kissing her-

The feel of her lips against his. That simple touch that was gentle and ardent rolled up in one. Was he wrong? Did he read that wrong?

Why did she do it if it meant nothing?

_Why? _

Pan's words-those words would haunt him forever.

'_I can give you want you want. You can leave this island forever. With Emma.'_

How he wanted to take that deal. Damn it, he wanted that. Maybe he could have that happy ending.

But he wasn't going to take away her choices. God, no.

So he spoke the truth. He told Charming and his wife about what he had learned. That Neal was alive and finding him could lead them to Henry quicker.

The first sharp edge of hurt sliced at his core when he saw the hope in her eyes.

The hurt dug even deeper when they found him in the Echo Cave.

"Pan wants us to rescue him so he knows he can know our secrets."

He never expected Charming to tell his wife the truth about what was to happen so soon. That was surprising.

"_It was just a kiss."_

Even when she was breaking his heart, he still loved her. He would always love her. It was that moment when he believed that the saying 'love at first sight' was true because that was it for him. The first moment that she got in his face and accused him of lying about who he was, he was hooked.

Excuse the pun.

He hated feeling this way. He hated being this vulnerable. And seeing her in Neal's arms, hearing her profess her undying love for him even though she wasn't going to go back to what they were, it hurt even more.

Blasted heat rises behind his eyes as he manages to look away from that scene. Nothing can erase Neal's words.

'_I will never stop fighting for you.'_

Those same words had left his own mouth so many years ago but he wasn't sure if he could fight like this again. He had done it once and it resulted in death and a grief that had lasted over three hundred years.

Could he do this again? He laid his heart out and she had pretty much stomped all over it.

Love was a funny thing.

But is it real if it is not returned?

He loved her. He was sure that kind of love would remain strong until the end of time.

But he should go.

**.**

* * *

**Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry! Just so many Captain Swan feels and I wanted to get into Killian's head for a while. I felt so sorry for him in this last episode. Unless I missed something, did Emma even really care when he told her he loved her? I get that she has to let go of Neal but freaking Neal is going to fight for her and we are going to have a triangle! I don't want a triangle! **

**Killian is already reminding me of Stefan Salvatore. The martyr, the true hero, who makes the horrid sacrifices for the ones that he cares about even though they don't care about him. I'm still hoping for some Captain Charming brotp soon. It seems like David is the only one to really give a damn about Killian right now. Does David even know about all the stuff that Neal pulled on Emma? Does Mary-Margaret? Does Henry? Sheesh. **


End file.
